1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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