I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
