I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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