i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
