I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
