1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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