I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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