I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
