Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
