I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
