Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
