are you still at the devil's house?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
