just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
