I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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