I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
someone owes me an orgasm
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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