I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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