Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
