I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
How does one acquire holy water?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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