I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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