there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
