you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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