I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
