My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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