GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
