My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize