New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
