I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
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