i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
