i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
