Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
