guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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