She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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