i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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