We named our party play list daddy issues
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
