She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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