my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
