The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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