fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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