You smell like a Billy Joel song
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
