dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
