Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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