next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
