I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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