i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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