Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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