Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
