***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
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