My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Randomize
