We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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