There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
