Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
