The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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