you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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