I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
