I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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