Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize