so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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