Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
