Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation

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(301): View more from Maryland

The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(740): View more from Ohio

Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.

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(347): View more from New York

then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place

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(805): View more from California

I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.

(1-805): View more from California

I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.

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