Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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