No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
